8 Sayings That Will Actually Have My Kids Laughing When I'm Dead

Hey.

Hey!

I use "hey" to get the kids attention. There is something about that word, when said j-u-s-t right will not only get my kids' attention but also their future selves' attention.

It drives me nuts when the kids use it though.

It's my word for them when they aren't paying attention, not for them to use whenever.

When they say "hey," my response is, "hay is for horses."

I got it from my mom who got it from her dad.

It was no surprise when my mother-in-law told me that the little one told her that "hay is for horses," when grandma said hey to her. It was also no surprise when my mother-in-law called, laughing, to tell me she used it on someone else. 

It is one of the things my mom said to me that stuck.

Some other priceless gems from my mother:

Girl, You Need Quality Makeup: 5 Essentials for Mom

This post contains affiliate links.

I have always said I wanted to age gracefully but this past year has aged me more than I care to admit.

Stress, work, life, kids - it really catches up and to my dismay, I can no longer fall asleep without washing my face. And, moisturizer is my new best friend along with foundation.

I didn't always feel the need to wear makeup. I even got compliments on my skin without it but I wore at least foundation most days. At some point, I stopped wearing makeup and when I ran out of moisturizer, I neglected to put it on the shopping list.

Then last week, the Hubs and I were watching Inside Amy Schumer and the skit, Girl, You Don't Need Makeup, came on.

Quotable A to Z: R is for Reading in 4 Quotes | #AtoZChallenge

Unwrapping Northeast Ohio - 10 Family Friendly, Cleveland Inspired (Non-Toy) Gift Ideas

It's that time of year when distant relatives start asking what to get the kids for Christmas. We tend to give standard responses, Legos and Disney, but what I really want to say is - time.

They want your time and attention but since it is not possible due to distance and circumstances I thought I would create a list of what would make them seem closer to you, even when you are miles apart.

Now, this list is pretty specific to things in Northeast Ohio, but that does not mean it can't be adapted for any city, anywhere in the world. These ideas include the whole family, do one and done.

10 Family Friendly Gift Ideas that are inspired by Cleveland and Northeast Ohio

A List of 40 Things to Do Before Turning 45

Today, I turn 40.

Yep, the big 4-0!

This year has been challenging with some stress, a loss, a bit of anger and forgiveness, but also some really wonderful, beautiful things.

I am really okay with this whole forty thing. How can I not? I don't have the stresses of youth and the challenges of middle age come with a partner. Plus, I have kids and neither are in diapers so all in all I'd say life is really pretty okay. Not perfect, not great, but very, very - okay. I'm fine with that today.

This year will be better and I am looking forward to New Years. Challenges, changes, and all the other bits that make life interesting.

It's me! Out on a Friday with good hair #latergram #noway

A photo posted by Mary Johnson (@mryjhnsn) on Oct 10, 2014 at 4:05pm PDT

I did not finish my list of things before I turn 40. I did 25, which is is a little more than half so there's that.

I'm going to try again. Yes, again, I am going to try and give myself a few more years.

39 40 THINGS TO DO (IN THE YEAR) BEFORE I TURN 40 45

5 Favorites from Last Year's NaBloPoMo

It is November and that means National Blog Post Month! A post a day, everyday in November.

I did this last year and succeeded, the first time since in the three years I tried. You would think it would be easy to come up with thirty posts in thirty days and actually write them but it is not always that easy for me. I am going to try again.

Looking back on last year's posts I came up with my five favorite to share. 

Sorry Kid, You are Not Special.

The one I let know my kids are special to me but not to everyone else.

On the Line: Weekly Favorites Issue 4

Favorites from the Blog World

All About Those Cute Conversation Hearts
A brief history plus some cute crafts

Valentine’s Day Breakfast Mini Pizzas
Look how good these are!

Marriage, Divorce and 'Parenthood:' Come ON, Joel and Julia
I have never seen this show but her version is hysterical.

My Eyes! My Eyes!
The reason I will never have LASIK.

9 Manly Valentines That Will Make Him Like Valentine's Day, Too

This post contains affiliate links

A few days ago I wrote a list of what I would like to get for Valentine's Day and I thought, "Self, what would you get the father of your kids, the main man in your world, the love of your life..."

9 Manly Valentines That Will Make Him Like Valentine's Day, Too.

On the Line: Weekly Favorites Issue 4

Top 5 6 Favorite Blog Posts from Favorite Bloggers

This week's list is special because they are from my tribe, as in my SITS tribe.

Snow Day In The South!
It made me happy to see that the South got snow.

I Will Never Grow Up – Funny Justin Bieber Mugshot
I tried to make one of my own, but it felt to mean.  I do love what she did to poor Mr. Bieber.

Ada Covered Bridge

I am a sucker for covered bridges and pretty girls doing fun photo shoots.  

Word Nerd : Sophistry

I love words.  I am not very smart but I love very large words the way men like porn.  

Five on Friday

Shout out to our SITS Tribe!

That One Time I Posted Half-Nekkid Photos

Bodyspace confessions.

Top 5 Favorite Pins

On the Line: Weekly Favorites Issue 1

Top 5 Favorite Blog Posts from Favorite Bloggers

I Secretly Wanted Twins on  Baby Zone by Darcy from Tales from the Nursery.

I so wanted twins but now, thankful that I didn't.

Clue Into Cleveland Blogs: The 12 Blogs of Christmas Edition

I really rely on Amanda for helping me keep in the know with other Cleveland bloggers.

10 Simple Ways to Stay Out of a Psych Ward

This is my sister's blog but the advice is sound.

I’ve Got Two Words For You, 2014: Oh Well

I adore The Aums and her lovely family.  Her post sums up how I feel about additional stress.

52 Week Money Challenge

Easy and to the point.

Top 5 Favorite Pins

And, in cased you missed these this week....

My Top 13 Post of 2013

Working on my list: No. 32. Read Forty Books

Post by I Need a Playdate.

Because Prompts are Fun - Reading List? More like a re-read list

I bet you thought I would be writing another post dedicated to Nickolas Sparks...  Fooled you!

I love to read.  It is the only escape I have and who cares if the majority of my reading is accomplished locked in the bathroom.

I have a very long list on goodreads of what I want to read but I really think I need to start rereading what is already on my bookshelf.  Why do we collect books if not to reread them?

My Top 5 Books to Reread

1. The Witching Hour by Anne Rice

I would probably want to reread the whole series after reading this because it is wonderful!  Magic, mystery, suspense and crazy sexy writing make this a fantastic read.  I love the characters so much that I named my daughter after the main character.

2. Good Omens: The Nice & Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett

I have probably read this book a minimum of fifteen times over the years.  In fact, I leave it in the bathroom in case there is nothing for me to read.

Good vs. Evil and all of the very funny things that happen when an angle and a daemon try to save the world.  I also think that a season of Supernatural was based on this book but I can't prove it.

3. The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins

I can not wait to read these with my daughter.  A strong female lead who also kick ass?  Yes, please!

4. Beach Music by Pat Conoroy

I remember reading it.  I see it sitting on my bookshelf and yet... can't remember what the damn thing is about.  I do remember that I liked it though so defiantly on my reread list!

5. The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald

With the movie coming out I feel compelled to reread this and with good reason - who doesn't love a good love triangle focused around the fabulously wealthy and the decadence of that area?

What's on your reread list? 

Because Prompts are Fun with @darcyzalewski and me is live! Link up or read along. This week - books & reading ineedaplaydate.com/2013/04/becaus…

— MryJhnsn (@mryjhnsn) April 26, 2013

All images are from goodreads

Because Prompts are Fun - A Procrastinator's To-do List

I am not a to-do list kind of gal. I like lists when they are about fun things like Doctor Who or parenting but when it comes to things to do – yuck!

I don’t like to-do lists probably because I am a procrastinator. If I write a list of things down that I absolutely have to do than I will absolutely have to do them and, more than likely within a reasonable time.

I hate to do lists. But, since I have a whole lot to do I should probably start making them. My goal for the next month will be to do a list a week and cross off at least half of the items. Except for this weekend’s – I have to cross them all off.

My To-Do List

1. Taxes
      a. find baby’s SSN

2. Take books back to library (they are only two weeks over do)

3. Write a post about lists

4. Switch out baby’s clothes that she has outgrown and pack them up

5. Actually pack the clothes up for pick up

6. Laundry

7. BJ’s

Phew. Just writing it out is enough for tonight!

What’s on your to-do list?

My Top 5 Back to School Tips

I am not looking forward to second grade.  The work will be harder.  The pressure will increase and did I mention there is First Communion?  So much to do but first, getting through the first week.  My first born starts school on Wednesday and emotionally, I am not ready.  To be honest, I know he is not either but at least we will be prepared.

Top 5 Back to School Tips

my iPod is MIA so I write my posts down now and I must say I am loving my new Pilot G2 pens

Don't let them see you sweat.

Sure, I am freaked out but I don't think he knows.  We are having a last farewell to summer at the beach and then school supply shopping.  Regardless of my sadness that summer is ending and my son is growing up, he doesn't have to know.

Go to the orientation

You know the one.  The PTA or PTO puts it on and you get to meet the teachers early, then everyone eats Popsicles; pretending to be nice to everyone else.  Or maybe that is just in my area?  Either way - sure it seems like a drag but you get to see his classroom, so, bring the kid's supplies in so he won't have to lug in the next day.

Invest in good gym shoes

Call them what you will.  Shoes, tennis shoes, sneakers, kicks...  get a good pair.  Personally, I love sketchers.  Why you ask?  Because, they are well made and no I am not getting anything for saying that, I really buy them, faithfully, every year.

Buy extra of everything

At some point in the school year there will be a not that says, your child may need more of something.  Be prepared.  The Frugalette has a great guide that is worth checking out: Back to School Supplies Printable Stock Up Prices.  Basically, she tells you what is worth stocking up on like when crayons are $.25 a pack and when you should just get one or two.

A few weeks ago I got to visit a BJs and, boy, do they know how to save some money!  Buying in bulk is certainly the way to go.  One of the best things about buying at BJs is that they do not cater to businesses but to homes.  You will not get one gigantic tub o' peanut butter but two reasonably sized jars packaged together for a great deal!

Wait to buy school clothes

I know, this goes against everything you were brought up to believe but, who actually wears their new clothes the first week?  Here in Ohio, C-man will be wearing shorts and a t-shirt since it will be 79 degrees on Wednesday.  I prefer to wait and then hit up the sales.  As it happens, I will be going to Lodi Station Outlets to do school clothes shopping the weekend after school starts.  I was not a fan of outlets until I was introduced to Lodi Station.

What tips do you have for the back to school crowd?

Don't forget to enter one (or all) of the Back to School Spree Giveaways here and be sure to hop around.

My Top 5 Back to School Tips ow.ly/1m4mjB
— MryJhnsn (@mryjhnsn) August 21, 2012

Dude, I'm an Adult!

Who knew being an adult would be so much fun!  I get to pay bills and have watermelon size babies fall out of who ha.  Don't even get me started on being a human pacifier never mind holding down a job while being one!  Oh, being adult can be so much fun.

I guess there are some truly wonderful things associated with being (well) over the age of consent.

My Top 5 Best Things About Being an Adult

1.  I don't have to follow (some) rules

For instance, I can't do a list of six.  I like lists of five.  It is a nice number and it is odd.  Odd lists are better, just ask John Cusack in High Fidelity (or my first post regarding top 5).  The only exception is when I am compensated  to do a list of ten.

2. I can lie without guilt

Of, course I do feel guilty but mostly it is just too damn hard to lie let alone keep track of the lies and the follow up lies.  Life is too short. Unless, I am lying to my children and then all bets are off.

3. I can still act like I am twelve

Just because I am over the legal age to drink does not mean I can't act like I am twelve from time to time and then turn around and have a nice big glass of "mommy juice."

4. Boy crazy takes on a whole new meaning

I get to have crushes and go see them take their clothes off under the guise of a girls night out - SCORE!

5. I get to do fun, crazy stuff that the teenage me would cringe at...

Such as drink wine naked, write trashy love stories and pull a plane for charity.

The Prompt:

5.) List the 6 best things about being an adult.

Oh, the Lies I Tell (well, top 5 today anyway)

As a child, lying was a past time of mine.  Goddess forbid I would ever have to lie and my life depended on it now, because I would probably fail.  My face will give me away along with my need to say the truth because, let's face it, lying is just harder.  You have to keep track and possibly build upon what you say.

I don't seem to have a problem lying to my children it seems and I can thank my mom for this talent.

My mom was very good at lying to us and making it sound convincing.  Instead of just saying "don't do (insert here)," she would make up a story.  For example:  "Don't go into the attic because alligators live there and will eat you."  My personal favorite and one that kept me awake one night while in high school because I thought it would really happen was, "Don't pop zits on your face, because you will die of a brain hemorrhage."

I blame her lies (or stories) on kissing the Blarney Stone.

I can't help but think it would be way easier to say, "You will get pox marks on your face if you pop a zit there and it will be ugly."  Or, "Don't go in the attic."  But, what do I know because I have found myself doing the same damn thing with my kids now.

I can't help but cringe and smile all at the same time.

My Top 5 White Lies to my Kids (so far)

1. That's Flavor

You know how when you get a glass of water from the tap and the water is a little foggy?  My son balked at the idea of drinking it until I told him, "it's extra flavor."

2. The (stupid, stupid, stupid) Christmas Elf is checking up on you

In an attempt to cover up the fact that I forgot to pack the (stupid) Christmas Elf up with the rest of the Christmas crap and my kid found it, I told him that he was back to make sure he was still being a good boy.  Sadly, it was not even the stupid elf they sell but an elf I bought for baby girl but she was scared of it.  I hid it behind a pillow when I realized just how scared she was of it and when my son found it he thought it was the freakn' Christmas elf... who am I to dash his dreams?

3. I don't smell anything

In response to the question, "what's that smell!" coming from the car next to us.  I will leave you to imagine what the smell was that was billowing out of the car windows.

4. It's Mommy juice

My response as to why he can't have what ever is in my rocks and/or wine glass.

5.  The fishes will eat your toes

My first lie to Baby Girl when she wanted to go an extra foot out in to the lake and I wanted to go back to my book on the blanket.

Top 5 Songs That Tell the Story of Me

Top 5 Songs That Tell the Story of My Life... (so far)

When I was in high school, I crushed on everyone and dated no one. Part of me is glad for that but there is a bigger part of me that feels that I would have learned more about who not to date when it mattered if I had more practice.  Still, I often wished I could have told a certain someone that Damn, I Wish I was Your Lover.



Speaking of whom not to date...  I took me *cough* seven years to figure out that there is a Better Man.




When I came into who I was in my twenties, Sexuality was my anthem and I embraced my own.  I was free of a bad relationship, working in a nightclub and in an apartment of my own for the first time.  I was free and I had so much fun.  There was some heartbreak but I was so very happy.



Little did I know that I could be happier though...  My husband bought me John Mayer's Four Square album after we decided to try dating.  We had know each other for ten years at this point and had been hanging out for the last three years, telling people that we were not dating.

Turns out that we probably were dating the whole time but I did not realize I was in love with him until we stayed up all night listening to this album, on my old, comfy sofa.  Who knew we would get hitched a few years later?

Since, I can't exactly pick the whole album, I'll go with Your Body is a Wonderland.



And now, I am totally stealing Swagger Wagon from Moments That Define Life, because it fits how my life is now, too.

I, however, do not embrace driving a minivan and a small piece of me dies when I turn the key.  This year I am getting a car.  A safe, reliable, not a minivan, car.  The video is very funny.





What song (or songs) would be on your list?

Top Ten Things I Miss About Being Alone

It seems like a lifetime ago that I woke up in a bed alone much less, ate, drank or peed with out someone else five inches away from me. I have a brief glimmer of what it was like, a distant memory. I am not sure I would want that again any time soon but on occasion I like to imagine what it was like.

{cue flash back music}

Ten Things I Miss Most About Being Single

1. Sleeping alone (every once in awhile)

Actually, doing anything alone these days is a luxury but waking up in bed without a stray foot in my face or someone's knee in my back would be swell.

2. Walking around naked.

Call me crazy but I miss being naked in my home. The first thing I would do when I walked through my front door, especially when I worked in a restaurant or night club, was to take off my clothes. Peel off would be better. I usually did it as I walked to the kitchen for a glass of wine.

3. No homework

I hated doing math when I was in the first grade. sigh.

4. Bathroom privacy

Sure, I may have left the door open but I was alone.  And, I took long luxurious baths, with candles and wine.

5. Watching TV when scheduled

If you ask me what time and day my favorite TV show is on I would say - How the hell should I know? Isn't it on demand or hulu, yet?

6. Spontaneity

A ride to the beach four hours from here? - Sure! Bar crawl tomorrow? - Sure! A concert two states over? - Okay! Friend's house for dinner? Tonight? - What can I bring?

7. Vacations (by myself)

I lived for booking a flight to somewhere, anywhere, by myself and seeing somewhere new. I did not do it enough.

8. Dating

Call me crazy but I miss dating, sometimes. Not the bad ones, of course, but I miss the chase and the promise of something new. The flirting and getting to know someone you just met.

9. Eating out

I never cooked for myself and I never went to chain restaurants, either. For the life of me I have no idea what the hot new restaurant is today. I also miss drinking for free. That has more to do with me working "in the industry" then being sent drinks at the bar but either way - free was free.

10. Me time!

And, not just for me time, but also to blog, to write, to paint, to read and whatever else I vaguely remember doing way-back then.

I failed the #AtoZChallenge and I would like to blame it on lack of me time, but, eh, there is also next year.

Choose a prompt, post it on your blog, and come back to add to the link here.
My Prompt:
3.) List the top 10 things you miss about being alone. (Inspired by The Little Hen House)

Ten Things I Would Never Want to Do

Ten Things I Would Never Want to Do...

1.  be a wife.

2.  be a mom.

3.  join the PTA or for that matter, be a room mom.

4.  drive a mini van. Never, ever.

5.  have a desk job

6. breastfeed (or pump at work)

7.  bake for a bake sale

8.  host play dates and birthday parties

9.  use one of those bulb things to pull snot out of some kid's nose

10. be responsible for any one else.

... and how lucky for me that I did not get, what I thought I wanted.

 

The Prompt:
3.) Create a reverse bucket list that names the top ten things you never want to do.
(Inspired by The Hairpin)

My Mom Tips For Driving (with the help of #Esurance)

This winter has been crazy! I don't know if we should be wearing raincoats and rain boots or ski jackets and snow shoes. Every day brings a new weather report and each day is different, snow today, gone tomorrow. Along with this unpredictable weather comes unpredictable driving.

Rain makes the roads slick and snow, well, snow is just snow. I hate the first day that snow hits Cleveland because everybody forgets how to drive. Since, snow has been unusually absent this year, it seems that with each new snowfall this winter, people act as if it was the first snow of the year.

We live in Cleveland people!

It snows, a lot, and somehow the ability to slow down, clean our cars off and respect each other goes right out the window. It is not just snow either but rain, too!

As a mom I am mortified!

Okay, not really mortified but since you can't hear my mom voice I thought I would try and show you instead. I am mortified!

Here is my Top 5 Mom Tips for Driving



1. Brush the snow off your car!
This is not hard people! A two inch by two inch opening is not big enough for anybody to see through especially when trying to navigate in a snow storm.

2. Slow, slow, slow.
When roads are wet from snow or sleet, slow yourself. Repeat this as necessary. Even if the streets are dry - slow down!

3. Share the road, but not too close.
Share the road means that we all get to drive on it, not on top of each other. Back off my bumper in any kind of weather but when the roads are less then ideal quick stops can be disastrous if drivers are on each other’s tails. Keep a safe distance, at least a car length, between you and the other car.


4. Headlights are not just flashy bling for your car - they have a purpose.
Your headlights have a purpose and not enough people use them at dusk, blizzards or dark and rainy days. How are you suppose to see other cars or for them to see you if we don’t light up the road? Turn your lights on whenever it is dark out, even if it is noon.


5. Pack an emergency kit.
Your car emergency kit should include a blanket (or blankets), snacks, jumper cables (or if you are lucky one of those battery boosters that don’t rely on another car) and a flashlight. I would also add cards and crayons only because if you are stuck in traffic with kids, having something to keep them busy is key. Worse case scenario - you might be stranded and no power to run the in car entertainment system. Best case scenario you are prepared for some quality time. Don’t stress.

In the words of the The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Don’t Panic! And, be safe, especially when the roads are covered with snow and ice. Accidents will happen but with a little luck and some safe driving it, hopefully won’t be your fault.



Fine Print:
I wrote this blog post while participating in the SocialMoms and Esurance blogging program for 8,000 My SocialMoms Rewards Points. For more information on how you can participate, click here.

Year in Review 2011

This past month has been hard for me, personally, but there is nothing better then taking a look back and seeing all the wonderful things that happened this year, through this blog.  Luckily Mama Kat has a prompt for this so I have no excuse not take a look back.

January
In January, I was still pretty shy about writing and only had seven posts.  From the seven, Dear Daughter was my favorite.  Teen pregnancy, message to my kids and a video (not mine, but wish it was) - what's not to like?

February
I ranted about grocery stores and won a writing contest.

March 
I wrote about self esteem and was featured on the BlogHer Facebook page.







April

My first guest post on Clue into Cleveland!  I wrote all about... well you can read that here.
 
May

My first Mama Kat submission is here and followed my my first poem since high school (also a Mama Kat prompt).



June

My first blogger event at Lodi Outlets where I first met other mom bloggers in Ohio.  My favorite being MyGotFam.

July

 

I shared my sweet tea secret ingredient despite hating sweet tea.











August 
I wrote a lot in August but the one I will share is the one that Mama Kat commented on because I totally geeked out that she noticed my twitter awkwardness.



September

Clue into Cleveland and I started collecting shoes for Soles 4 Souls Flippin' Good Deeds Blogger Challenge sponsored by my favorite wine, FlipFlop Wine.

October

I wrote I'm a Dance, Not a Boxer for a Write of Edge, Red Writing Hood prompt and got me klout in boxing.Go figure.  I originally wrote it about a fictional character, but it describes how December went for me.

November

 

November I posted every day for NaBloPoMo and I think I ran out of things to write about... well, maybe not but time will tell.  One of my favorite is The Rental Car.  I need to write more like that if I ever want to write a Harlequin.





December

I have written very little this month and sadly my favorite piece I wrote this month is the one I posted before this post, about my son and sibling rivalry.  I really struggled with the Christmas season, to the point that if I heard one more Christmas song I was going to slit my wrists (okay, minor exaggeration) but I am truly blessed for my little family and I am praying the new year will bring more joy.

Writing Prompt

1.) This year in blog posts…choose a favorite post from each month of 2011 and share.